Greetings Sweet Readers,
I have been writing this Substack for over a week and have been stopped in my tracks by the elephants in the rooms of my life, which keep me preoccupied with this or that, and taking me away from my focus and my “at one with”.
Today is Yom Kippur and I find myself home alone on day seven of my very first bout of Covid. I prided myself on having dodged the Covid bullet this long. Last Monday it hit me with a profound shiver of chills at work and by the time I got home I had 102 something fever. That first day I tested negative. By Tuesday I tested positive three times. I kept thinking I did something wrong testing myself and so kept retesting: one after the other, each test positive. My fever broke on Thursday but not Covid.
Saturday night the tickling cough in my throat caused an asthma attack so severe it kept me up till 4am. Fortunately I have Albuterol and prescription cough syrup. I still tested positive yesterday, to my dismay, and so am missing services at shul with my friends today and laying low at home. I most likely will not return to work tomorrow unless I test negative tonight. But my throat feels scratchy and I suspect that’s not a good sign.
My daughter asked me after I tested positive last Tuesday if I might have manifested getting sick? I can’t answer that with certainty. There are a few other people who came down with covid at the same time so maybe covid was in the air last weekend throughout Shabbos and Rosh Hashanah. I did get to enjoy shul and dinners with friends last week. It was quite busy and the look of abandonment on my pets’ faces was too much to bear. I promised them Mommy would stay home the next day. That was last Saturday night. I lied a little. I went to services the next morning on Sunday. And then was home the rest of the day.
Our spiritual leader talked about people not smelling the roses. He went deeper. That people not only forget to smell the roses, they cease to see the roses.
I’m adding that people can get to a place where they don’t know there are any roses at all. The human doing. Living a robotic life and unaware of anything outside themselves.
Not being aware, lacking self awareness so much so as not to enjoy the mundane nor see the magic in the mundane. Noticing a flower in nature is acknowledging the mundane. A rose or any flower adds an aesthetic. Taking a moment to acknowledge that it shares this planet with us takes us outside of our own stories long enough to enjoy it for both the simplicity and beauty that it is. But no longer noticing it or no longer caring it’s there, speaks to a part of us being edited out. We lose our humanity. We lose what connects us to god.
This past month I’ve been working a new job. With the arrival of another school semester I always look and see what kind of work is out there to supplement the on-call gig job I already had. And it seemed that I manifested part time administrative work for a small private school walking distance from my house. It saves me from the car. The good outweighed the adjustment and so I gave up some things, which included one more work day every week, than I wanted to take the job and took it on with good will.
So far I have not walked and chewed gum at the same time. Meaning I have not added back the other things I gave up. It does not mean I can’t walk and chew gum at the same time moving forward. It just may make it harder. (Mentally)
It’s the type of job where after work I need to turn it off in my head and possibly not go back on email.
Easy enough? Maybe. I’m worried about the job after hours because of the kind of work it is. The tasks are ongoing. Tasks that include tasks that do not come naturally to me, as they involve computer work. So the job is inside my head.
When I subbed on-call in the classroom, it was one and done. I went in and did my stand-up sub routine to get most of the kids to follow directions that day. And then I went home: hoarse, dirty and tired. But “done and dusted”. Now, I have it on my mind what I have to do when I get back after covid. And that weighs heavy for me.
I’m adjusting to new skills. The people part is easy. The technology part is tedious. Last week I pressed the wrong button on the land line desk phone and erased my own message and had to re-record myself for the answer machine for the office phone. While the phone was ringing! I couldn’t be more flustered. All I was trying to do was delete a message. It was not the first time it happened. More like the third. And then it takes me several tires to get the message out sounding right. I wanted to cry. I was so anxious after I fixed it. I felt so unyogalike.
You must be thinking now, she’s on the computer? She’s typing on her own blog. I know very little if anything how to set anything up on Substack. The kind of work I’m doing here is creative. It’s art. I’m using a different part of my brain. There is no urgency here. I do want to finish this blog, but I do not have to rush through a recording because I’m in an office after stupidly erasing the voice message trying to erase a message. I can finish it as it evolves to natural conclusion.
I gave up writing consistently which is not fair to blame on the job. I need to make myself write after work. Teaching a chair yoga class to a sweet class of seniors was the other. I miss them, a lot. There was no other time to teach them. The brought me in touch with my own aging humanity.
Then there is the elephant in the room that blocks the view even if there were roses along the way. I can’t help someone I love out their misery if they have ceased to see to the roses and have gone so far as to not believing roses exist. That elephant uses a few rooms in my head and does not leave much living space for anything else. Maybe covid stepped in to shake me back to “at oneness with myself”. If I’m not at one with me then I’m not at one for anyone. I cannot give if I am not whole.
Covid was a call back to wholeness. I am day seven into it and first realizing it for what it was. I was rundown for weeks with restless little sleep. No regular exercise. No self care. I ceased to exist but for others. The burn-out was total. What the fuck had I gotten myself into was what I thinking? And then I got covid. It was right after Rosh Hashanah. And today is Yom Kippur.
Today is the day of atonement. Today is Book of Life Day. Will I or Won’t I be in the Book of Life? I wished my loved ones and friends “Gmar chatima tova” and a “good yontif” . I grew up always worried about being in the Book of Life. I still am. There are things that I wish to be forgiven for and the thing to do is ask others and god for forgiveness. Forgiveness is liberating for both souls. The person being forgiven but the forgiver in particular makes more space in their heart and psyche by releasing the need to carry the hurt around.
I like this time of year. I have always thought of fall, the fall solstice, the Jewish New Year, a new school year as a time of beginning. New starts. Getting something underway before the cold of winter sets in. It’s crisp. Getting the year set up.
My elephants aren’t going anywhere. I think all rooms have elephants. If people have lives they have elephants. Some elephants come and go. Elephants have to be juggled and managed so that we as the ringleader of our lives do not forget that roses exist along the road to see and smell. If I manage my elephants I’ll have time for the roses. With good intention perhaps my elephants will lose some weight and wear the suit of ducks lined up to better fit themselves into the rooms of my life. That’s the hope.
Covid is one of my elephants until it’s not. But for now it’s keeping me home. My pets are happy again. And with an elephant size step. I hit post.
“Gmar chatima tova” to my Jewish Readers 🤍🔯🍎🍯
A Happy Fall Solstice to all 🧡🍂
Thank you for reading 🙏🏻
Your blog here reminds me of the agony of jobs that stess. I remember only too well having nightmares about details and personalities. I hope you feel better soon. Knock on wood, still no C here... but then I don't interact out there like you do. I truly hope you recuperating at home with your animals can help you resolve that which has caused you so much stress so as not to see the flowers. You are a flower and your deeper wiser self is needed in this world.
I got hit with it, too! Dodged the bullet for over three years. Feel better 😻❤️